Why ME?

Hyperemesis Gravidarum

Eight years ago, I was shocked by the news that I was pregnant with twin boys.  At 5 weeks pregnant, morning sickness began.  When I have seen other pregnant women, they looked beautiful at any month and they glowed.  We were excited to start this new journey.  I was in my last semester in college and I was like “Oh, I can finish this like nothing, everyone else does it.”  I thought I will be glowing on my graduation day.  My expectations were high.  I am going to eat healthy; I am going to exercise like normal.  Yadda yadda yadda… 

Weeks passed and I was stuck in my 12x12 bedroom staring at the show Baby Stories.  I didn’t want to move because I would vomit.  I couldn't keep anything down.  My parents took me to the hospital because I was pale and the meat I had on my legs turned into a thin layer over my bones.  I was admitted into the hospital for dehydration and diagnosed with the disease HYPEREMESIS GRAVIDARUM (HG).  A severe and persistent nausea and vomiting during pregnancy, easily explained to people who didn’t know what it meant.  To me it was a whole different definition.  Hyperemesis is a debilitating disease that leaves you malnourished, sleep deprived, exhausted, helpless, lonely, mentally and physically unstable to the point where you need consistent IV fluids to survive.  In other words, it is life threatening.  Unlike normal morning sickness that lasts for a few weeks and only happens randomly or in the “morning”, Hyperemesis is 24 hours a day, 7 days a weeks and lasts over 16 weeks and in most cases until you deliver your baby.  Imagine having the stomach virus and not just a weekend virus, imagine having it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for 8 months..  THIS IS SERIOUS!

Many people believe that I overreact, that I am just dealing with typical pregnancy issues.  No one really understands the severity of the complications I was dealt. 

When I sought help from anyone, they would say, ‘drink ginger ale, have some crackers, stay positive.’  This wasn’t morning sickness.  This was a disease.  This is real... It affects 2% of women... and Yes I am that 2%.  Don’t you think I tried all of it?  Don’t you think I want to stay positive, positivity is who I am?   The only people who understood were who lived through it with me the first time around, my parents and fiancé at the time.

I was admitted about 4 times, but in the ER a dozen.  It caused preterm labor, water bag ruptured at 23 weeks, and then delivered at 25.  Long story short, 23 days later I lost a son.  I have a miracle baby who dealt with 6 months of hospitalization, surgeries, infections, near death experience, and more.  

A year in a half later, I was pregnant again... It scared the living daylights out of me.  Surprisingly, HG skipped and I had “typical morning sickness.”  I had a healthy baby boy preemie.  

So, let’s fast forward to December 2015.  We found out we were pregnant.  Exciting, we planned it!  The morning sickness began and 2 weeks later, HG returned.  It was a reminder of that pregnancy I suffered.  It started all over again.  With the feeling of being a prisoner in your own bedroom, or not being able to swallow your own saliva because it makes you vomit. Not being able to smell anything or your stomach will turn.  The feelings like you have been poisoned.  You can't stand up so you have to crawl to the bathroom.  Lying in bed motionless again because any sudden movement, you puke.  Not remembering the last time, you brushed your teeth.  Even worse trying to shower, so you don't stink, but you can’t stand. 

Crying and praying on the shower floor to God to find an outlet and end the misery.  Mentally I was destroyed.  At that point, you are just telling HIM, do whatever it takes to stop it.  For me, a fantasy I would have never in a million years thought about, miscarriage.  On several occasions, I pulled myself to stand on the top step in the hallway because I wanted to end it all.  Do you see the part of debilitation?  I wasn’t only weak from being malnourished, but I was weak mentally.  I was thinking of ways I can survive, but everything else can end.  In the right state of mind, it would have never been a thought.  Lying in bed and reaching over to your phone to Google abortion clinics because you want the depression and agony to end.  Feeling lonely because no one understands what you are going through.  At this point, it was either you or the fetus. 

I tried to send my husband on a vacation we had already planned and paid, so he can take the boys away from me.  I was already away from them, but I wanted them to get away from mommy always vomiting; away from mommy, who can’t help with homework; away from mommy, who can’t cook for you; away from mommy, who can’t sit at the dinner table anymore; away from mommy, who can’t play with you or read to you.  What’s wrong with mommy?  All I can think, was how can I do this to my boys.  They need their mommy.  As my husband came in the room as I was telling him to go, he noticed my vomiting was worse.  He saw that it wouldn’t stop.  The last few times, dark blood was coming out, tear from my esophagus.  It was so sore and raw from the bile or acid and consistent vomiting of practically nothing, that now it was blood.  He rushed me to the hospital and I was admitted.  I didn’t want to go.  More time away from my family.  I was given nausea meds that is typically for cancer patients, but it wasn't strong enough for me.

Anyway, fast forward, because obviously I can continue of what else happened, but I will stop here.

WE got through it.  My husband and I got through it.  Never say a relationship should be 50/50 because when I gave 0, he gave 100. 

When people had the chance to see me in person, they saw how serious it was because I lost over 30 pounds.  Thirty pounds is a lot when you are only 125.  I had a great small support system.  I had people who picked me up to take me to doctor’s appointments because I couldn’t sit normally,  I couldn’t drive, I couldn’t stop throwing up in the car, or even the time I passed out while the phlebotomist took my blood.  I AM GRATEFUL for my Great friends, parents, cousin, some sisters from church, and family  members that helped during the storm with meals, appointments, helping during the time my husband had a business trip and I was left alone as well as encouraging messages.  You would think the moment I gave birth the storm ended, but it didn’t. 

However, that is another story!          

My 3 Miracle Preemies!!

Our 4th is an Angel!  
In loving Memory of Luis Richard Toledo! 

Feeding the Homeless

As most know, I am a consistent supporter of community service.  However, I had my first experience this past weekend feeding the homeless and extremely low-income families.  I was happily overwhelmed with the amount of support that arrived on this freezing cold afternoon.  Food was prepped and set, tables were out, and volunteers were ready all bundled up with their coats, scarves, hats, and gloves.  By my surprise I thought we were serving indoors, so my attire was not suitable for the 25-degree weather that was upon us.  Though, I kept complaining about how it was freezing, I realized that it was inappropriate.  The people who I was about to encounter didn’t have homes and if they did, they probably didn’t have heat.  I made those thoughts disappear and was ready to serve people with an abundance of love. 

 
As the gate opened and people began taking their seats, I was speechless.  I was clueless of what to do or tell them or even talk about, so I just began by asking if they wanted hot chocolate or coffee. 
 
As I continued to serve with the utmost respect, it ran through my mind to spark up a conversation.  In anyone’s mind, this should have been the easiest thing to do, but not for me.  All I had to do was speak, but nothing.  Nevertheless, it was the most difficult gesture that day.  It was not that easy like talking to a friend about the most recent episode of Once Upon A Time or if they seen how ridiculous the size of the iPhone 6 plus has become.  I was too ashamed to complain about how much I was freezing and that I couldn’t feel my toes anymore.  They live through this every day.  What could I possibly talk about?  It persevered to invade my mind.  


…couldn't mention about the new style of clothes that has been out.  How about the fact that my closet is filled of clothes that I have used once and don’t want to wear it again?  Just the thought, makes me feel selfish.  They wear most of their clothes repeatedly everyday.  I can’t mention about the new LCD TV’s. 

It isn’t that simple when a person is standing right in front of you who has nothing.  It is the moment you realize how much you have even if you thought you didn’t have it all, but YOU DO!  Yet, we complain about the smallest things.  I ONLY have a 50-inch TV…  I ONLY have two laptops...  I NEED a second car…  I WANT the new Ugg’s…  My paycheck isn’t big enough… 

blahh blahh blahhhh


They are saying … I couldn’t afford to pay my heat this month...  Hopefully, I can get the rent...  Maybe I will find somewhere warm to sleep tonight… I want to find shoes with no holes… and so on…
 


Anyway, the first words that came to my mind that was reasonable was “Are you enjoying your meal?” & “Is there anything else that I can get you?”  From that lead a conversation about cats.  Ahhh!! That I can talk about!  One man loved cats and at one point of his life he had twenty-five of them.  From there I was able to ask if he like dogs.  The look on his face made me giggle.  He said, “Noooo, I am scared of dogs.”  The lady next to him said he was bitten before and then the man next to her started talking about champion dogs.  Yes!!!! I succeeded in a conversation that didn’t demean them in any way.  It made me feel wonderful! 
 


As time passed and all of us served as waitresses or waiters, servers, helpers, all volunteers, I took a step back and looked around and watched every single person eating.  I stood there in astonishment.  Most of these people already knew one another and they were talking, joking, and laughing.  It left me flabbergasted.  I kept thinking to myself that these people must go through so much and yet here they are enjoying themselves outside in this horrific weather with little sprinkles of showers falling down.  
After almost four hours of serving, I was forever grateful of what the Lord has brought upon my life.  Experiences like these make me more humble than I can ever imagine. 
 


I would never get tired of serving the community!  It is apart of who I am!


Let it Go!

Let's be realistic.  Life is far from easy.  And if it is simple for you then you must be doing nothing.  As a parent, I think everyday about the safety of my children.  I wonder if I am showing enough love and attention to make them the best men I imagine them to be.  As a student, I think about the choices I make for careers, is the decision going to make me happy?  As a wife, I ponder about how can I assist with providing for our family as well as being loving and caring to my husband.

In general, I am the type of person who wants to be there for everyone.  I want to be apart of events, family, community service, friends, fun, etc.  I love to make room for people in my life especially if they want to be apart of mine.  (There is always time.)  In my eyes, everything is important.  Life is too short to have regrets about any choices that I wish I would had done, so I do them now.  Is this easy? Hell to the N-O!  It is incredibly overwhelming.  However, it makes my life worth living.  In the end, I am just being the real me!  

Aside from that, there's the obvious - problems that get in the way.  Issues surround us with family, relationships, money, friends, just a simple word that holds so much meaning called LIFE!  I wake up each day and that alone puts a smile on my face.  Sometimes, throughout the day, Life gets difficult.  Yes, some issues may be too much to handle at the moment.  Yes, it may bring you down.  But, let's be honest…Does that get you anywhere?  A week has passed and you still are worrying about the same thing, has that made you feel any different?  Just worse.  Just like any other person, I go through turmoil’s in my life and at the moment I stress away every meaning in my body by yelling, cursing, crying, and feeling utterly helpless.  Then, the next day I wake up and realize, I was given another day.  Another opportunity, to wash away those worries, be positive, bring smiles, and make a change.  Does that get you anywhere?  Yes.  It gets you to a new place, a place of happiness and no doubts.  

Just Let it Go!