Who is your Role Model?

As a young little girl, I had the opportunity of identifying someone that I used as my role model.  Anytime I was around this person, I watched closely of the life they were living.  They attended college, married, children, continued to upgrade to glorious beautiful houses, church, and lastly a six-figure income.   As a pre-teen, I would tell myself, “I want that!”  “I am going to do that!”  “I am putting myself through college to have that!”

Born and raised until I was seven years old in North Jersey, my life altered as we moved to North Philadelphia.  It was a culture shock.  I have witnessed continuous drug deals, lock ups, and I remember one vivid drive by shooting that almost cost the lives of my father and baby brother, who was four years old at the time. 

People in this neighborhood were not deemed to succeed.  No one expects children from North Philly to make it anywhere. 

However, I had a vision.  I knew what I wanted.   At the age of twelve, my parents made the best decision to move to Northeast Philadelphia.  Though, it was the same city, the neighborhood made a difference in my life particularly the surroundings.  Per my request, I persisted on the North Philly neighborhood schools.  Regardless, my mind was already set up for success.  It was a requirement that I made for myself to attend college.  In Family A, I aspired to be the first to graduate with a college degree and in the other side of the family, Family B, the second. 

With this dream that I had foreseen, I was destined for triumph.  I used ONE role model to determine the direction I was heading towards and I was not allowing anyone to get in my way.  Anyway, long story short through trials and tribulations, I assumed the ability to accomplish the degree requirement.  Throughout this process, I have learned more than I could have ever imagined. 

I used the word USED very loosely.  I used a role model for myself and I say that because I feel that everyone needs some type of influence in their life to give them motivation especially with the down outpour of negativity that unfortunately we are surrounded by.  HOWEVER, as an adult, I came to the realization that I wanted a better life than the Role Model I used.  YES!  I want the career, but I do not want the sacrifices that come along with a six-figure income yet.  In due time and with the Grace of God, it will come, but the biggest PRIORITY that changed the outcome was my children.  At the end, I did not realize that QUALITY time would have affected the decision of desiring that six-figure salary.  Children are a blessing and I don’t want to miss a beat. 

Still, that does not mean to give up or not to keep persevering.  Sometimes, dreams change, but in a GREAT way!  I am achieving my next degree.  This time, I will be the second in Family A to receive my Master’s and Family B, the first.  At this moment, there are new goals and new influences AND they will never stop coming.  If it weren’t for the first one, I may not have that first SUCCESS!

  

In addition, I did realize the greatest influences of my life and hard work, dedication, perseverance, AND QUALITY time originated from ROLE MODELS I was living with the whole time, 

MY PARENTS!!

Let it Go!

Let's be realistic.  Life is far from easy.  And if it is simple for you then you must be doing nothing.  As a parent, I think everyday about the safety of my children.  I wonder if I am showing enough love and attention to make them the best men I imagine them to be.  As a student, I think about the choices I make for careers, is the decision going to make me happy?  As a wife, I ponder about how can I assist with providing for our family as well as being loving and caring to my husband.

In general, I am the type of person who wants to be there for everyone.  I want to be apart of events, family, community service, friends, fun, etc.  I love to make room for people in my life especially if they want to be apart of mine.  (There is always time.)  In my eyes, everything is important.  Life is too short to have regrets about any choices that I wish I would had done, so I do them now.  Is this easy? Hell to the N-O!  It is incredibly overwhelming.  However, it makes my life worth living.  In the end, I am just being the real me!  

Aside from that, there's the obvious - problems that get in the way.  Issues surround us with family, relationships, money, friends, just a simple word that holds so much meaning called LIFE!  I wake up each day and that alone puts a smile on my face.  Sometimes, throughout the day, Life gets difficult.  Yes, some issues may be too much to handle at the moment.  Yes, it may bring you down.  But, let's be honest…Does that get you anywhere?  A week has passed and you still are worrying about the same thing, has that made you feel any different?  Just worse.  Just like any other person, I go through turmoil’s in my life and at the moment I stress away every meaning in my body by yelling, cursing, crying, and feeling utterly helpless.  Then, the next day I wake up and realize, I was given another day.  Another opportunity, to wash away those worries, be positive, bring smiles, and make a change.  Does that get you anywhere?  Yes.  It gets you to a new place, a place of happiness and no doubts.  

Just Let it Go!

Do you ever feel STUCK?!

Do you ever find yourself stuck?

Not sure which direction to go.. Not sure if you are taking the right path.. So stuck it is stressful..
I feel that way about careers.  I'm stuck!  I don't know what I should do, need to do, or want to do!  It is very stressful because I feel like at my age this is something I should know.  Sadly, I don't.  I am confused.  There are a few days out the year where I fall into depression because I am clueless.  On those depressed days, I tend to blame myself for certain things that I should have done!!!  I just wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing!

Well, I am tired of being stuck!  I have decided I just need to do everything it takes to find what is perfect for me to be happy with a career!

MY journey to finding my PASSION starts right now!

Loss of a Child

It took me a long time to revive after the loss of my son.  Can time really heal all wounds?  No..my wounds are not healed. But, I have learned to accept that it is no longer a nightmare and it is reality.  It took me three years to wake up... to finally stop picturing another child playing next to Isaiah...to stop imagining twins laying beside one another…to stop blaming doctors and nurses…to stop blaming God…to stop blaming MYSELF.  I still wonder what it would have been like with all three of my boys…would have I walked in through the front door and hear "Mami" "Mami" "Mami" and three huge hugs wrapped around me tightly instead of just hearing and feeling it twice?  Would there be random nights that I end up with three in my bed?  Then, I wonder maybe God knew Luis was going to suffer way more than he can handle.  

All I know now is that Luis is our Guardian, our protection, and our savior.  He will forever be in our hearts.  Though, my life after Luis was the most incredible pain I have ever felt in my life, Isaiah and Josiah make my life worth living.  My experience and journey has made me more appreciative of life ...of living ...of loving ...of enjoying ...of smiling …of SURVIVING!  I survived the loss of a child.

My Greatest Fear…

My heart collapse of the contemplation that my husband and I will not be around to watch our children grow.  In reality, I don’t have a big family and it kills me to know they wouldn't have much.  Every thought process in my mind presents anxiety.  I want them to be provided with everything I wasn’t able to have or accomplish.    

No will ever treat my children the way I do.  No one will give them the positive push and outlook in life.  No one will wake up in the middle of the night to massage their legs from growing pains.  No one will soothe croup cough by turning on a hot shower and sit with them in their arms for an hour.  No one will take them to their weekly doctor appointments.  No one will hold them tight and tell them that they will love them forever.  No one will read them bedtime stories or at random moments do a craft.  No one will jump on the bed with them and start doing flips.  No one will play hide and seek and chase them all over the house.  No one will play video games.  No one will provide the necessities that I want for them.  No one will treat them equally.  No one will ever say our favorite lines that we say to one another.  NO ONE WILL EVER SHARE THE BOND AND THE LOVE THAT I HAVE FOR THEM.  Unfortunately, it isn’t something that I should be thinking about, but it encounters my mind a few times a year.  Reality hits more after watching a movie like Life as We Know it.  I make myself paranoid.  I just want the best for my boys!!       

Giving is Receiving!

I believe that if you want to see a change in this world, then it has to start with YOU!  I remember the first time I ever was involved in community service; it was at a recreation center.  I recall entering this red brick covered building, but all I can hear was shouting when I walked through the double doors.  As I proceeded, there was a massive amount of small children running around in the gym.   They were screaming at the top of their lungs of excitement.  “What am I doing here?” I thought to myself.  I was fifteen years old and being with children wasn’t an excitement to me.

As a group, we started arranging games for the children to play.  The children were separated into different sections of the gym.  I was standing on the outside of one the two lines that were made for the activity and I felt this gentle small soft touch on the palm of my hand.  When I looked over, it was a little girl with red shorts and white sleeveless top with these cute little roses on them.  She just blankly stared at me as she reached for my hand.  So, I held her hand anyway and escorted her back to the line.  As time passed, new games were played and children rotated to a different activity.   Throughout the day, I started to have a trail of little girls following me everywhere in the gym.  Why?  I had no clue.  All they wanted to do was to stay attached to my hip.  I resulted in just playing little games with them in a little circle, my circle continued to grow.  As our instructors announced it was time to depart, the children hugged me so tight that I literally dropped to the brown laminate floor.  At that moment, I felt this weird feeling in my heart.  It was a beautiful.  It took quite some time to get the girls off of me with help from the instructors.  As I walked away, tears shed from some of the girls.  Suddenly, I didn’t want to leave.

As we were escorted back into the yellow bus, my instructor asked me, “Jessica, How do you feel after this experience?” “Great!” I shouted.  I was actually speechless, but yelled something out, out of respect.  In reality, it made me realize that these children enjoyed my company.  They loved to have someone to play around with him or her for so long.  They longed for LOVE!  It was that moment when I realized giving was one of the best feelings I ever had in my life!  So, I persevered through adulthood to fit community service/volunteering in my hectic schedule to help people who have that void in their life.  It is the best memory they will ever have.  In return, I don’t want anything, but just to see the smiles on their faces!